WAITROSE has launched a new bring-your-own-container policy so the neighbours and binmen will never know how much you drink.
The supermarket, which believes itself to be better than the others, is trialling refillable rice and pasta to provide a convenient smokescreen for its core customer base of middle-class alcoholics.
A spokesman said: “No more pretending that you’re having a dinner party to the checkout girl. No more sneaking your clinking bottles out in the dead of night. No more shame when the binman catches your eye.
“Instead you can pull your BMW, Audi or Volvo around to the back, present whatever five-gallon container you need for that day, and fill her up. A nice drop, too. Decent Savignon Blancs. For decent people.”
Solicitor Francesca Johnson said: “You know those thermal insulated coffee mugs that nobody looks twice at if you’re drinking in the car? I’m filling 12 of them, in rotation.
“Plus I’ve got a petrol can full of brandy, two six-pint milk containers of a robust Sancerre, and an emergency jogging hydration bottle of tequila.
“That should see me alright until Friday morning.”