Calling all diehard Disney fans!Ever dreamt of spending eternity with Mickey by your side, swapping hauntings for happy haunts?Well, dream no more. The Walt Disney Company has unveiled its most magical, and morbid, venture yet:The Eternity Experience.
This revolutionary new package allows loyal Disney devotees to spend their happily ever after in the afterlife, nestled amongst their favorite Disney pals. Forget stuffy mausoleums and lonely tombstones. The Eternity Experience offers a vibrant coral reef (think Ariel!), a sprawling Pride Lands vista (lion napping with Simba optional), or even a galactic graveyard glow-up with Buzz Lightyear (spacesuit provided).
The brainchild of Xylophone McDuck, Disney’s eccentric billionaire imagineer, the Eternity Experience promises an unforgettable post-mortem party. “We wanted to create a truly immersive experience, ” McDuck rasped, adjusting his monocle. “Imagine strolling down Main Street in the afterlife, grabbing a Dole Whip with Goofy while you wait for your spectral hitchhiking ghosts ride. ”
While the legalities of interring the dearly departed with giant, costumed mice are still being ironed out (rumors of grumpy ghosts haunting copyright lawyers abound), Disney assures the kinks will be smoothed out faster than Aladdin can polish a lamp.
For the eco-conscious corpse, the Eternity Experience boasts a sustainable afterlife. “Our ‘Sleeping Beauty’ pod option utilizes natural thorn bushes for a truly immersive Sleeping Beauty experience, ” beamed McDuck. “Plus, it’s practically thorn-proof!Perfect for those restless sleepers. ”
Naturally, there have been criticisms. Health and safety experts warn of potential hauntings caused by disgruntled princesses yearning for their happily ever afters. Environmentalists worry about the ecological impact of a million plastic Buzz Lightyears littering the afterlife.
But Disney remains undeterred. “Look, ” McDuck chuckled, stroking a stuffed Scrooge McDuck plushie, “death is a downer. We just want to sprinkle a little pixie dust on it, you know?”
So, whether you crave cloud-snuggling with Winnie the Pooh or a ghostly game of poker with Jack Skellington, the Eternity Experience offers a one-way ticket to a Disneyfied afterlife. Just remember, unlike park churros, this happily ever after is eternal.