Krishnan, an accountant by day and binocular-wielding bird protector by weekend, was spotted pacing furiously around Lalbagh Botanical Gardens on Sunday, muttering Latin bird names and clutching a copy of "Birds of the Indian Subcontinent" like it contained the nuclear codes. When confronted by the FD Staff, he explained with a solemn look, “Look, I took my 11-year-old daughter birding. She came back and said, ‘Daddy, I saw two beautiful Great Tits.’ I choked on my thermos chai.”
This traumatic experience sparked what Krishnan is now calling the Sanskaari Avian Renaming Movement or SARM, pronounced with an uncomfortable stress on the ‘arm’. Backed by a growing Facebook group of like-minded parents, yoga instructors, and one extremely enthusiastic Sanskrit teacher from Malleswaram, SARM is demanding the renaming of “improper, vulgar, double-meaning” birds before “the next generation is corrupted by unnecessary giggles.”
Krishnan elaborated, “How do I explain to my child that Great Tits are actually just small perching birds from the "Paridae" family and not a mistake from an HR scandal?”
Flight of Fancy Gets a Desi Filter
SARM’s official whitepaper, which was forwarded on five different family WhatsApp groups before being taken seriously by no one, proposes the following renamings:
- Great Tit ➝ “Respectable Winged Mithun”
- Blue Tit ➝ “Neel-Kanth Choti Panchhi”
- Bearded Tit ➝ “Facially Gifted Sparrow-Type Uncle”
- Long-tailed Tit ➝ “Sanskaar-Vaala Feathered Boi”
Krishnan maintains that these names uphold both cultural sensitivity and traditional values. “When I say ‘Neel-Kanth Choti Panchhi’, nobody laughs. They just look confused, which is culturally appropriate.”
Critics argue that the word “tit” in ornithology is perfectly respectable and traces back to Old English where it simply meant "small bird." However, this did not deter SARM. When FD Staff presented this information, Krishnan responded, “Old English? So colonial. So imperial. So... vulgar.”
The movement has since gained traction among neighbourhood RWAs, particularly those with excessive time and dwindling water supply responsibilities. At least two WhatsApp group admins in Whitefield have already begun issuing warnings to members for using the word “tit” in “non-approved avian contexts.”
Schools Begin Damage Control
Alarmed by the spreading hysteria, multiple Bangalore-based ICSE and CBSE schools have quietly edited chapters in their Class IV biology textbooks. An anonymous publisher confirmed, “We’ve changed ‘Blue Tit’ to ‘Azure Chirper’ and ‘Woodcock’ to ‘Forest Beak Friend’. It’s better than having to send an apology letter to 200 sets of parents.”
The ripple effect has reached classroom corridors too. Mrs. Padmaja, a teacher at Sri Vidya Convent School in Basaveshwaranagar, told FD Staff, “During last year’s nature walk, one boy said ‘Look, madam! A tit!’ and three other boys laughed so hard, they fell into a bush. We had to cancel the nature walk.”
To mitigate further embarrassment, Bangalore schools are now distributing “Avian Euphemism Glossaries” during PTA meetings. The 28-page booklet includes handy alternatives such as:
- “Booby” ➝ “Aquatic Bosom Gull”
- “Shag” ➝ “Romantically Inclined Cormorant”
- “Woodcock” ➝ “Hard-Headed Beaked Fellow”
However, not everyone is pleased. One student, aged 13, confessed, “I don’t get what’s going on, but I feel like something’s being taken away from us.”
Birding Community Splits Like a Flock in Fog
India’s birding community, long a bastion of khaki shorts and heated debates over binocular brands, finds itself torn.
On one wing, traditionalists led by ornithologist Dr. Preeti Menon argue, “Birds have been called tits for centuries. The Great Tit is one of the most recognisable garden birds across Europe and Asia. This whole thing is absurd.”
She adds, “If we start censoring names, what’s next? Rename the Booby because it sounds... anatomical? Rename the Shag because it might excite someone in Koramangala?”
But on the other wing, amateur birders like Mahesh feel the moral crisis outweighs historical consistency. “Look, I’m not saying we need to rename all of them. Just the ones that make Indian aunties drop their chai cups.”
During a public Zoom discussion hosted by the Karnataka Birdwatchers’ Forum , tempers flared after someone suggested renaming the "Horned Screamer" to "Resonating Pointy Chicken". The chat box descended into chaos and someone screen-shared a meme of a Booby wearing sunglasses.
KBF has since issued a statement reading: “While we respect all linguistic sensitivities, we will not be participating in what can only be described as a feather-brained renaming exercise.”
Political Peacocks Join the Parade
Not to be outdone, the Cultural Affairs Ministry has appointed a special task force under retired bureaucrat N.V. Ananthachalam to “investigate bird names that hurt Indian family values.” The committee includes a Hindi poet, two Sanskrit pundits, and one man whose only qualification is “ability to identify pigeons at 100 metres.”
Ananthachalam’s draft report, which was accidentally emailed to FD Staff due to autocorrect, includes proposals to translate all bird names into “wholesome Vedic equivalents.” For instance, the “Grey-Headed Swamphen” may be renamed “Ash-Kapali Jal-Baaz.”
The report warns of a “moral slippery slope,” noting that if action is not taken, “we might be forced to explain to our children why the Hoary Redpoll isn’t a communist hairdresser.”
Meanwhile, local politicians are sniffing electoral potential in the controversy. A city councillor from Rajajinagar has promised to “clean up Bangalore’s bird names in 90 days” as part of a broader “Sanskaar Sudhaar Yatra.” His manifesto also includes renaming stray dogs to “Free-Roaming Bark Yogis.”
Birds Issue Statement, Claim Unconcern
As the renaming debate flutters onward, actual birds have issued a joint statement via Twitter , declaring they are “largely indifferent to the squabbles of bipeds.”
An unauthorised translator, known locally as “Parrot Baba,” claimed to have spoken to a group of Great Tits in the Bannerghatta forest range. According to Baba, their response was: “We don’t care what you call us, just stop cutting down our trees and building badminton courts.”
The message was met with some confusion, especially after one woodpecker allegedly told a passing trekker to “get a life and stop projecting your problems onto us.”
Meanwhile, Black-Necked Stork Remains Silent
As controversy consumes the avian world, the Black-Necked Stork has stayed quiet. Some speculate it’s because no one can say its name without giggling. Others believe it's waiting for a rebranding opportunity to become “Ebony-Throated Marsh Glider.”
Environmental activists have warned that such renaming may distract from genuine issues. “While Bangalore fights about birds’ names, their actual habitats are being concretised faster than you can say ‘Long-billed Dowitcher,’” said urban ecologist P. Shraddha, while standing knee-deep in construction runoff.
Nonetheless, Krishnan remains undeterred. His next plan includes lobbying for renaming squirrels because, and we quote, “My son heard the word and thought it was a bad word for spin class.”