Standing in front of flashing cameras and surrounded by comrades who nodded solemnly like they were at a funeral for Marx himself, Baby didn’t hold back. “We have never allowed the BJP to open an account in Kerala,” he thundered, momentarily forgetting that BJP had, in fact, opened not one but two accounts—one Assembly and one Lok Sabha—causing a mild existential crisis among CPI cadres who still believe ballot boxes are just elaborate Ludo boards.
When asked to explain the sudden saffron streak across the state’s electoral chart, Baby displayed his grasp of analytics with the passion of a disgruntled math tutor. “Anyone with a basic understanding of arithmetic will know how the BJP won,” he said, making Kerala’s Class 10 students sweat and Google “how to avoid politics in math tuition.” He implied that the BJP’s performance in Thrissur and Nemom was less a result of political momentum and more like Congress leaving the front door open during a rainstorm and blaming the wet floor on gravity.
While Baby’s confidence was unquestionable, insiders say the CPM’s internal response to the BJP’s Kerala surge has been less ideological and more astrological. Sources confirm that party headquarters has ordered a shipment of ancient abacuses and is consulting a team of Vedic mathematicians to counter BJP’s algorithmic march. “We don’t trust EVMs, but we do trust abacus-wielding Marxist monks from Malappuram,” said a senior comrade, while trying to calculate vote shares using cowrie shells and a borrowed TI-84 calculator from a neighbouring tuition centre.
The BJP, meanwhile, responded to Baby’s comments with a mixture of smugness and mild confusion. “We are flattered the CPM thinks we’re expanding. To be honest, we thought we were just having filter coffee and friendly chats with angry WhatsApp uncles,” said a BJP district secretary who insisted on anonymity and a second serving of banana chips.
Local BJP workers in Thrissur were reportedly seen celebrating with traditional percussion ensembles and Instagram reels captioned “Modiji in God’s Own Country, Part 2.” They have now applied for a GI tag for the new saffron-on-red colour palette currently trending on Kerala's political mood board.
While the Congress has remained largely silent, presumably in the middle of a soul-searching expedition somewhere between Alappuzha and Bengaluru, some of its Kerala leaders have anonymously admitted that the party’s performance resembled a malfunctioning autorickshaw—technically still moving, but mostly in circles and often in the wrong direction. One Congress MLA said off the record, “It’s not that we helped the BJP win; we just refused to help ourselves. There’s a difference, you see, between political sabotage and enthusiastic laziness.”
Kerala’s voters, always eager for a bit of political theatre with their evening banana fritters, are reportedly split between surprise and sheer amusement. One Thrissur voter said, “I voted for the Congress, but I think the BJP got it. Or maybe I voted for the Left? Wait, what day is it?” A street magician nearby then performed a disappearing act using only a UDF manifesto and a black umbrella, drawing spontaneous applause and requests for him to explain the economy next.
Back in the CPM war room, party elders are experimenting with new strategies to counter the creeping saffron tide. These include aggressive street-corner poetry readings, Marxist flash mobs, and an ambitious plan to rename WhatsApp groups from “Chetta News” to “Dialectical Materialism Daily.” A CPM youth leader clarified, “The BJP uses AI and big data. We use AI too—Anil, the intern from Kannur. He’s great with MS Paint.”
Analysts say the real story is less about who won and more about who managed to lose with the most ideological flair. “CPM accusing Congress of enabling BJP in Kerala is like two waiters blaming each other while the customer quietly eats at another restaurant,” said a political commentator, who was later escorted out of a local teashop for ‘disturbing the narrative.’
Meanwhile, FD Staff from *fakingdaily.com* caught up with Baby outside the CPM office, where he was overheard instructing a colleague to “cross-check whether dialectical materialism allows for electoral regret.” He also confirmed that the party would launch a grassroots campaign involving open mics at tea shops and “revolutionary Kalaripayattu classes to remind people of their ideological spine.”
Political scientists from Delhi University have noted a pattern of ‘passive resistance voting’ in Kerala, where voters claim to support one party during debates but then “accidentally” vote for another “due to muscle memory and general existential ennui.” One voter admitted to FD Staff, “I just press the button that makes the best beep. Ideology is temporary; beeps are eternal.”
The BJP, on its part, has appointed a new “Kerala Compatibility Task Force” whose sole job is to translate campaign slogans into Malayalam, learn to pronounce “Pinarayi” without crying, and acquire immunity to jackfruit-based political slander. Task force members are undergoing cultural sensitivity training that includes listening to Chenda Melam on loop and attempting to understand Onam politics without hallucinating.
Social media, never one to miss an opportunity for performative wokeness, has exploded with memes showing Karl Marx being photoshopped onto a Kathakali dancer, Lenin selling banana chips, and Baby as the “Captain of the Ship That Mistook a Fisherman’s Wharf for a Political Strategy.” CPM supporters, however, have taken to X with the hashtag #BackToBasics, demanding a return to old-school campaigning: door-to-door propaganda, fear of godless Communism, and one-on-one chess games with confused schoolchildren.
Satirists and astrologers have joined forces in analysing the Nemom and Thrissur victories, speculating that the BJP may have benefitted from an alignment of Jupiter, Mercury, and low Congress voter turnout. One astrologer-turned-political influencer explained, “Thrissur was always vulnerable. It’s what we call in the trade a ‘swinging chenda constituency’—too many drums, not enough ideology.”
Meanwhile, a prominent CPM district secretary has suggested introducing a “Marxist Loyalty Card” that gives voters free chai after every third Left vote. “Loyalty is key,” he said, “especially when you’re haemorrhaging vote shares like a badly written Malayalam soap opera.” Plans to gamify ideology through an app called “Swipe Left for Revolution” are currently under development.
CPM’s internal WhatsApp groups have been flooded with 4-minute voice notes, 3,000-word forward texts on "how Lenin would never have allowed this," and one particularly aggressive GIF of Che Guevara face-palming in slow motion. Baby himself has urged cadres to not lose faith, encouraging them to “believe in Marx, Lenin, and the enduring power of library cards.”
On the ground in Nemom, BJP cadres have already opened something described as a “Sanskrit-compatible Smart Karyalayam” featuring QR codes, ancient texts, and a robotic Namboodiri that chants victory slogans in binary. A local party worker demonstrated how even the slogan “Sabka Saath, Sabka Vikas” now has a Malayalam remix, complete with a thumping EDM beat for youth outreach.
Elsewhere, Congress leaders have begun issuing statements in haiku to stay relevant, while a few CPM leaders have reportedly begun attending yoga sessions disguised as "dialectical stretching workshops." This has led to a surge in demand for mats bearing the slogan “Workers of the World, Relax.”
Election Commission officials are also under pressure to investigate how so many ideological voters managed to “accidentally” switch alliances. One officer remarked, “We’ve checked the machines, the ink, and even the air. Turns out, voter confusion is the real pandemic.”