“Folks, this is not just a potato,” Trump announced, lifting a russet specimen duct-taped to a crumpled one-dollar note. “This is SpudCoin. It’s decentralised, de-fried, and totally Trumpified. Better than Bitcoin, tastier than Ethereum, and I hear even Vladimir likes it baked.”
The declaration was met with stunned silence before pockets of enthusiastic clapping emerged from what appeared to be a pre-hired cheer squad wearing T-shirts reading “MAKE TUBERS GREAT AGAIN.” According to Trump, SpudCoin will be “backed by Idaho and fuelled by ketchup,” with plans underway to launch a decentralised ledger hosted on a microwave.
FD Staff, posing as a representative from fakingdaily.com, asked about the actual technology behind SpudCoin. “Well, the blockchain is going to be a chain of baked potatoes, very hot, so hackers burn their fingers,” Trump explained. “We’ll have them all scanned with QR codes, and Rudy Giuliani says he’s got a guy who can do it for free as long as we cover his Uber.”
Initial trials of the SpudCoin rollout reportedly occurred at Mar-a-Lago, where guests were encouraged to tip caddies with hash browns. According to multiple accounts, confusion ensued after a guest mistakenly tried to pay for a martini with a bowl of mashed cauliflower, which Trump later condemned on Truth Social as “woke tuber fraud.”
Financial analysts across the globe, upon hearing about Trump’s crypto-root movement, began sobbing uncontrollably into their Bloomberg terminals. “We thought Dogecoin was the end of civilisation,” said one Mumbai-based fintech strategist. “But this is starch-powered anarchy. My son now wants to sell his kidney to invest in SweetPotatoDAO.”
Global reaction has been varied. The Reserve Bank of India issued an immediate warning stating, “Please do not accept vegetables as legal currency, regardless of political endorsement,” while the Central Bank of Nigeria quietly tried to mint its own yam-based token. Meanwhile, El Salvador, long obsessed with Bitcoin, reportedly offered full diplomatic recognition to SpudCoin and sent a delegation carrying butter.
Back in Delhi, national TV debates erupted over whether the humble aloo had finally achieved its destiny as the Bharat Ratna of blockchain. One panel on Republic TV devolved into chaos after a panellist insisted SpudCoin was inspired by an ancient Vedic coin called ‘Aalootra’. Arnab Goswami, sensing divine nationalism in the starch narrative, demanded immediate rollout of “PM Kisan Crypto Yojana,” shouting, “Isn’t this proof that potatoes are sacred?! Do not interrupt me, sir!”
At the heart of the SpudCoin phenomenon is Trump’s economic strategy, which appears to involve deep-frying global currencies until they either inflate or explode. “Inflation? I love inflation. It makes everything bigger. I say, let’s have triple inflation, with gravy,” Trump explained during a promotional dinner that exclusively served fries, wedges, and Bitcoin-branded tater tots.
To ensure trust in his new blockchain, Trump has promised to create a white paper personally “ghostwritten by Sean Hannity and edited by Melania.” Early excerpts describe SpudCoin as “an internet of potatoes with seamless gravy integration” and claim that “unlike fake coins, SpudCoin will grow from the ground, not from George Soros’s basement.”
Attempts by mainstream financial press to obtain clarity on the crypto-starch merger were blocked after the Trump team accused CNBC of “mashed media bias.” FD Staff attempted to interview Jared Kushner, who was last seen near a potato farm in New Jersey trying to install a USB-C port into a Yukon Gold. Eric Trump, when approached for comment, simply held up a packet of Lays and whispered, “Soon.”
Meanwhile, Trump loyalists have already begun mining SpudCoin using air fryers, pressure cookers, and—in one bizarre case—gas-powered idlis. Telegram groups with names like “TuberToTheMoon” and “AluCoin Army” have appeared, encouraging followers to “hold the starch” and “buy the dip .”
Indian crypto influencers wasted no time adapting. One Pune-based YouTuber, CryptoChacha, released a five-hour tutorial on “How to Farm SpudCoin from Backyard and Impress Rishtedaar with ROI.” The video features 47 mentions of “decentralised taste” and ends with him attempting to scan a samosa for gas fees.
Yet all is not rosy in the land of golden fries. Questions are emerging around the environmental impact of large-scale potato-based mining. According to estimates, a single SpudCoin node requires three acres of farmland and generates enough carbon to grill 1,200 parathas. The United Nations has launched a formal investigation, tentatively titled “Tubers Without Borders.”
Concerns were also raised about the storage and shelf life of potato-based assets. Trump’s response? “Simple. You vacuum-seal the SpudCoins and keep them in your pantry, right next to the beans. Or better yet, wear them as jewellery. Ivanka’s designing a SpudWallet handbag—it’s going to be big, folks.”
An early prototype of the SpudWallet was showcased at a Trump Tower “Crypto & Casserole” event, where guests were treated to mashed potato sculptures of prominent global leaders. The highlight was a buttery bust of Xi Jinping, which melted halfway through Trump’s speech and was quietly replaced with a mannequin wrapped in aluminium foil.
Elon Musk, rumoured to be the unofficial CTO of SpudCoin, tweeted a potato emoji followed by “🧂>🔥>💰.” Experts were divided on the interpretation, but markets responded violently. Within minutes, the value of potatoes in global commodity markets spiked 800%, while Solana dipped after Musk clarified he was “just feeling peckish.”
Trump’s supporters insist that SpudCoin is “a revolution in carbs and capitalism.” At a campaign-style rally in Ohio, attendees threw fries into the air like confetti while chanting “Make Crypto Crispy Again!” One man claimed his SpudCoin tattoo had already appreciated in value after his left arm went viral on TikTok.
Sceptics argue that SpudCoin lacks scalability, especially in warmer climates where potatoes rot faster than the peso. Others worry about the volatility, especially after Trump claimed that “every new batch of fries is a soft fork.” Financial educators are reportedly baffled, with one Bengaluru professor stating, “My textbook says nothing about gravy forks.”
Still, evangelists are undeterred. Plans are underway to launch SpudNFTs—digital images of boiled potatoes in various emotional states—and Trump has hinted at an Initial Fry Offering where early investors will receive physical potatoes autographed by a Sharpie-wielding Steve Bannon.
Even Bollywood has taken note. Producer Sajid Khan announced a biopic titled *Crypto Aloo: The Rise of Fry-nance*, with Govinda cast as a disgraced banker-turned-potato mogul. Rumours suggest the soundtrack will feature a remix of “Aloo Chaat” with lyrics about blockchain and butter.
Across Indian WhatsApp groups, forwards claim SpudCoin will replace gold during weddings, with mothers proudly storing aloo-filled vaults under their beds. At least one Delhi-based family reportedly cancelled their Dubai gold shopping trip in favour of visiting a wholesale sabzi mandi in Azadpur.